sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
