His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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