This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
