Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
