youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
