If i come over, it means nothing
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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