that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
