You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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