Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
