He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
