My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
