i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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