i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
