The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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