I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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