just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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