This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
