if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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