You smell like a Billy Joel song
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
