Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
