i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
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He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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