im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
