I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
