Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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