i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
