so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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