I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
