I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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