I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
