Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dick very happy bro
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
