Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
