and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
