Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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