I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
