I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
