I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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