Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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