my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
