Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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