Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
