My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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