Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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