I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
