I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
