where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
