Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
