you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
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Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
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Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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