I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
