I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
