Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
