im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
