I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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