i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Randomize
