Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
