My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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