There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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