Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
