my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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